It was during a holiday in Paris in 2005 that Pam started to feel aches and pains after walking.We thought we had simply walked too much, visiting the Paris attractions but on our return we mentioned the pains to Pam's Oncologist.After tests it was confirmed that Pam was suffering from Secondary Breast Cancer that had gone to her skeleton bones.The doctors explained that her bones resembled being "sprinkled with sugar" which was the returning cancer.The whole family were devastated by the news as Pam looked so well in appearance.Her treatment this time was to try and strengthen her bone mass and keep the cancer on the outside bone.She visited hospital every month for a drip which would also ease any pain she may have.The "sprinkling" was more intense in her thigh bones and at the rear of her skull.This treatment seemed to abate the cancer for the next 12 months as Pam's symptons levelled.We even managed a small holiday in Centre Parc, Longleat with the girls.However in 2006 Pam's red blood count started to fall and she started on a course of blood transfusions, when required, to boost her red blood count.Pam seemed to take all this in her stride and became friendly with the nurses at the Lilac Centre, Whiston Hospital who took a loving care of my Pam. Unfortunately Pam started to experience bad headaches and dizzy spells from October 2006 and this was attributed to the cancer intensifying on her skull.It was during this time, unknown to me at the time that Pam wrote a daily journal of her feelings,her moods and her fears.Towards the year end 2006 Pam had more "bad days" than good but her strength to carry on her daily routine was inspirational.In November 2006 Pam and i joined with Cathy and Dean and friends on a holiday in Nerja,Spain.We all had a marvellous time,though Pam did tire easily and I thank Pam for the memories she left me of this holiday....laughing and drinking till the early hours outside the hotel,putting me in the Flamenco Dance troupe and my happiest memory of myself and Pam sitting on the hotel balcony overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, sipping wine and listening to our favourite music.These memories are priceless to me, to know at least at this time she was happy.Pam enjoyed a good christmas with family and friends and we all went out to celebrate New Year 2007. However in January 2007 Pam's condition deterioted as the cancer had found its way inside the bone marrow and the hospital staff told us the worst news, there was nothing they could do for Pam apart from making her "comfortable". Pam came home to be surrounded by her family and friends but though we knew what was to happen, i think we were all in some state of self denial.We did not want to lose OUR PAM!!The girls and i slept with Pam, all of us together holding each other, supporting each other.Pam started to become more distressed and myself and Pam talked and decided the time had come for her to go to the hospice.Pam was admitted to Willowbrook Hospice at noon on tuesday,6th February and we never left her bed side.The staff at the hospice were brilliant, caring for Pam and always checking that she was not suffering any pain. I can still hear Pam shallow breathing in her bed with myself on her left and Jennifer and Lydia sitting next to her on her right.at 11:45 pm Pam decided it was her time to leave us.She simply fell asleep, not to be awakened again.People remark if you can die from a broken heart but all i can say is that the pain i felt within me that night is the strongest pain i have ever encountered.I would like to say a big,big thank you to all my family, both on my side and Pam's and our friends and work collegues because without their support i could not have survived until today. After reading pam's journal we found just how strong she was.Pam had written down her hopes and feelings for Jennifer and Lydia but also she had written her own funeral details.That was our Pam, always thinking of others.Over the next few weeks i will put down here some of Pam's thoughts during her journal writings as i hope you find comfort in her words, both good and bad as i do. i know Pam loved me, Jennifer and Lydia but Pam also loved her mother,father,brothers,sisters,In-laws, nieces,nephews and closest friends very,very much.i know we all miss her but i thank you all for your fantastic support and guidance over the last 12 months.